No Good

Participants:

Merendezen.jpg

Date: 2010.08.08
Location: Lakeshore
Synopsis: Zen reaffirms previous goals.
Rating: PG-13+ (Language)
Logger: Merendezen


He wanted to scream into the night. Scream until it hurt and scream until he could scream no more… It was past midnight and he wouldn't think to sleep. Couldn't sleep. Wouldn't risk being seen by all those people… Especially not Ahnika, after the advice she gave… He tried to believe she would do it on her own, tried to believe that she would make the decision to…

To what?

Could he really ask her to be disowned by her family for him?

He, who had no family. He, who thought family was good for nothing. He, who fought. He, who stole. He, who used and abandoned. He, who once thought women were good for nothing but what he could gain from them. He, who was a broken man. He, who was no good. She had a family her whole life, they were her comfort… Even if they completely controlled her. She was delicate, fragile, innocent, sweet, sophisticated. Everything he was not and could not be. He could not provide for her as she would require.

He was a fool for feeling this way. A fool for believing that he, of all people, could make such a thing work. Why would she want a man like him when she could have a man who could provide. Despite the fact that this man may not love her…

Was this love? The melancholy feeling. The despair, the pain, the hurt, all these feelings that he had tried so hard to shed himself of. He no longer felt as much compassion as he could. He felt passion. He was a passionate man. He loved, but not truly loved… Fucked would be the better word for it. He fucked and he fucked thoroughly… But with her. He didn't want to touch her. He wanted her to remain as pure as she could be and he would simply be content to bask in her presence. Was that love?

Did he love her?

Faranath only knows if he did. And if he did, have mercy on him because he could not bear it any longer. And how did one fall so completely in love seemingly over night. Was it that spark between them that ignited it? For when she hated him, or, when he thought she hated him…? Fuck.

His green eyes were cast to the night sky, beckoning for whatever was meant to come. "Come get me." He breathed, hissing out out in a soft breath, his throat hoarse with trying to fight back the tears. Yes. He was ready to cry. He wanted whatever it was that was coming for him to come. Be it a dragon, or be it some other fate. He just wanted to escape from where he was now. To escape whatever this was called because he did not want to linger in these feelings that he considered weakness. "I'm such a fool…" This is what he protected himself from. This is what he avoided, hated, chastised people for feeling this. "Fuck her. Fuck her father… Fuck every one of them. I don't fucking need them. I can have whatever I want… Whatever the fuck I want and I don't need anyone or their shit. I'll go back to how I was, as many women as I fucking want whoever I want…"

His hands lifted from their stationary spot by his side, slowly rising and combing through his hair. "Why does it hurt so much…?" His hands fell back to his sides, his eyes focusing again skywards and focusing on composing himself. Focusing on replacing that mask, replacing how he protected himself… He did not want to fall back into this. He would try to shed these feelings into hate. Into rage. Into something other than it was because he could stand it no longer.

"Forget this."

"I'm no good… No good for anyone. And she sees that…"

He would forget her.

He would forge forward.

He had other things to focus on now. He had the goal he had once forgotten. He wouldn't forget again… As long as he avoided her.



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